The beginning by Dan O Rourke

How,how did such a big thing like this happen in such a small friendly village like this?

First let me start at the beginning,I was walking down the street and I heard a huge bang that sounded like thunder striking the poorly constructed pavement that my two very own feet were standing on.Then I heard screaming,an awful amount of screaming.Next and finally an old woman started limping towards me and then told me if I didn’t find safety I might not ever see daylight again. So I took her word and found refuge at a restaurant.

I was safe. I hoped the rest of them were.

2 thoughts on “The beginning by Dan O Rourke”

  1. Hello Dan,
    Gosh! What a dramatic start! You have created an air of mystery and intrigue with you 100 words and the opening sentence is probably the most powerful.

    I would ask is the use of ‘HOW’ twice intended or a mistake. If it’s intended (and I quite like it) I would add a ‘?’ after the first ‘HOW’ and then start the next with a capital letter. It would have a more dramatic effect. In the same way you have used the word ‘THIS’ twice in the same sentence. I would probably replace the second ‘THIS’ with an ‘ours’ – this would make it even more personal and makes the ‘hero’ part of the setting.
    I like how you used time adverbials to give structure to your writing; especially ‘Next and finally’ which had great impact.
    ‘Next and finally, hope you like what I did there, I am intrigued to know why the restaurant offered sufficient safety and whether everyone else was alright?!
    Thanks Dan

    Debbie Bristol, England Team100

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